Silence Prevails..............so silent that the photons rushing in the through the window, like raging soldiers, can be heard. Disturbed by the high acoustics, I struggle not to open my sticky eye lashes. Like the soldiers with their shining swords, the photons attack my eyes and I can see them attack even with my eyes closed. I cry a dull tired 'Ummmmmhhhhhhh'. It is 9:00....9:30 - No, not 10:00 - in the morning. It is still silent. I wake up or somebody wakes me up. The light now seems to flow in like silk and is mute; although I imagine hearing melancholic notes of a violin from the farthest in my house - I am awake and in a conscious state. I wonder if the light made the sound to wake me up.
The birds on the trees got tired chirping and had flown away. The morning dew is now hot. And probably there won't be any children on the streets. It is not but seems to be mid day. And now all that is going to happen for the rest of the day is the curse on me. The pain of the curse is knowing the future of the day, and the future has been the same way for a long time I know. There is no 'future' in the day.
I do not remember if I brushed my teeth but I remember standing before the mirror. Was it yesterday ? I do not know if the days run slow or fast. They are not interesting, not worth remembering. I know I will hear a gushing sound of the shower water now or a short while from now. Oh I hear it now, and it sounds the same way like yesterday and like many many days before yesterday. The water hisses like a snake, and each droplet jumps from the nozzle smoothly like divers with open hands, floats and flies like a bird, and pitches on my face and shoulders. The water is warm. I no more greet the pitch of the first droplet with a unstoppable smile. I no more experience the comfort of my body. My strained muscles have stopped relaxing for the warm water. They have become lifeless. I feel like a lotus leaf. Sometimes, I stand staring at the water coming out of the shower nozzle. I still cannot guess what gets me out of the deliquium. I do not remember ever starting the day without a step in the shower, or the shower getting dried out.
If the breakfast is ready by the time I dress up and the shower tap stops ticking, would that break the monotonous mornings ? I guess.......it should. Because I know I am going to pour the milk on my white bowl, top it with the corn flakes or oat meal. I tried skipping breakfast a few times to make a difference. It made a big difference - bad breadth most times and I fainted twice. When I have a great battle to fight for the rest of the day, a difference in the breakfast would not make much of a difference. Despite that, I try to make things a lit different in the kitchen, and it strikes late for my polar express (train) to catch.
I have stopped responding to my senses that tell me I am getting late for the train. I deliberately hold up rushing and watch the suburban train on the bridge not wait for me. Ohhh.....I pity the train operator. How many times will he have to drive the same damn thing, over and over, over the same rail from hither to yonder and yonder to hither. Will he be cursed too ? Or does he sleep while the train goes on the rail ? No, he does not. Then how does the train stop for people waiting to board or to get off ? I expect my boarding station to be "Under Construction" or bombed. I expect that today there won't be any leaves rustling there, that sound like the scratch of a blunt blade. I expect a lot of people happily chatting with each other while they wait for the train. I expect to meet a good travel friend. I expect to see the most beautiful girl on the train or at the next approaching station. I expect to say hi to her, and flirt with her wildly. I expect a free ride from my drop off point to the office. I expect somebody to shoot an album with me while I walk to office. Nothing happens, nothing like that has happened yet. The train white in color for as long as I remember has not faded, has never been late, and has never waited for me or anyone even for a second. And I walk to office, imaging an album being shot.........I realise I am humming a good melody, I hum aloud, foreign sounds in a foreign land.
Well, the rest of the day does not work well. I have a job but I do not have any (interesting) work. Work is not what you are made to do but you do. At work, I am like a lone banyan tree in a vast hay field. Sometimes I just sit gazing, completely lost, and fall in a different kind of deliquium that leaves me in a state of imagination. When I get out of it, it would almost be the time when cars on the streets start racing in the opposite direction. I realise it is evening. I start home for no one waiting for me. Then it is time for the polar express story again.
The sun rests after its tiresome day. And i am tired for no reason. I want to rest but am restless. A few hours run along, and it is the night. My dark room is like an empty sky. And my confused mind fills it with incomprehensible thoughts. I fight my thoughts, and feel asleep (sleep ?) late fighting them. I am living like the dead. I feel no pain any more. My senses are struggling to get liberated, to function. But they are numb because of the 'everyday'. I wish to get angry at somebody, yell at them. I wish to get beaten. I wish to lay stray on the streets, drunken. I wish to ride a horse. I wish to laugh aloud. I wish to cry. I wish to sleep in a car on the top of a mountain. I wish to swim in the cold sea. I wish for my portrait. Would such feelings make my senses function ? I pray, not God, for something that would give life to my life.
I feel something now. I feel a change in the pace in my heart. What if this sick lifeless hopeless man gets a girl for his own and his only ? Perhaps, the love and warmth of a woman could take the boredom out of my life. What if she knows that spell ? What if she knows how to cuddle me but preserve my tears ? What if she could blow my heavy sleepless eyes softly and put them to sleep ? What if she could fight the photons for me, and instead wake me up with the most beautiful sight - her grace, her charm. What if she makes me cough many times in the day while I am away from her ? What if she waits for me in the evenings in her black dress, fallen hair, a red rose, fragrant candles, and a hidden drop of tear and trust in her eye for this hopeless man who in real is just born to live ? Yes, I hope that a girl could lighten up my life. I hope I would get the urge to live the day. I hope my life would make some sense. I imagine her, and I feel blessed and peaceful by her sanctity. Well, then is she there ? Will she be mine ?
I fear she never comes. I fear I will go mad. I fear these good thoughts will cease , and I will end up in the kingdom of boredom. What do I do ? So I imagine broken teeth. I imagine cruel fiery eyes, blacked out. I imagine my beard wet with beer bubbles. I imagine blood in my hands, on my wear, and in my mouth. I imagine a lot of people around me like that. I imagine Tyler Durden. I imagine FIGHT CLUB !!!
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The Finally Published Touches My Heart !!!
Enough of the hibernation; I was not lazy but busy. And something, no someone, broke me from the inertia. Well, this note is about 'someone'. All say that man is the distinct creature in the universe because of his ability to think. But I would say he is distinct and superior than all known and unknown beings because of his ability to feel and to emote.
Read Poornima Vijayan and know what I mean. The brilliant expression of her feelings is the one of the finest contemporary writings I have read. The writing is very different and unique. It is not that usual loquacious or verbose content made decorative, which diverts the reader from the crux with the most intricate details of anything and everything. Instead, there is LIFE in the words. Also, there is an inspiring remarkable picture in every post to match the mood. Ohhhhh.......that one is fantastic, genius !!!
The pride and the (soft) arrogance in the manner of her expressions ironically will make you intimate with the mood as if you feel them and will compel you to think about the rest of her. Women of such a quality have always been of immense interest to men. So I got interested to write about it this time. I doubt if this advertisement is unwanted and preposterous but I will consider myself forgiven for she herself says "I Finally Publish", and this small note of appreciation be treated a review of the published.
Do not forget to peek out to know what she is thinking now......
Read Poornima Vijayan and know what I mean. The brilliant expression of her feelings is the one of the finest contemporary writings I have read. The writing is very different and unique. It is not that usual loquacious or verbose content made decorative, which diverts the reader from the crux with the most intricate details of anything and everything. Instead, there is LIFE in the words. Also, there is an inspiring remarkable picture in every post to match the mood. Ohhhhh.......that one is fantastic, genius !!!
The pride and the (soft) arrogance in the manner of her expressions ironically will make you intimate with the mood as if you feel them and will compel you to think about the rest of her. Women of such a quality have always been of immense interest to men. So I got interested to write about it this time. I doubt if this advertisement is unwanted and preposterous but I will consider myself forgiven for she herself says "I Finally Publish", and this small note of appreciation be treated a review of the published.
Do not forget to peek out to know what she is thinking now......
Which One Shall I Buy ???
I am too much obsessed with searching to buy myself The Laptop. I have been now searching late nights and long weekends. My first requirement is that I need a 15.x inch Non-widescreen display where x >= 0. I feel that a wide screen display makes the laptop too big.
I have come down to these three models [preference in order of appearance] after doing some research, but I am feeling very difficult to choose which one to buy.
1. Dell Latitude D520
Reasons preventing me to buy:
Does not have a SD card reader
Does not seem to have a fire wire slot [not sure]
Is it ok media wise ?
2. HP Pavilion 6000t
Reasons preventing me to buy:
No idea of quality of HP laptops
Widescreen ???
Heard that the customer support is very poor
3. Dell Inspiron E1505
Reasons preventing me to buy:
Seems very very huge
Widescreen
Much Much heavier than the other two
Help me out in choosing the better model and correct me if the reasons preventing me to buy one of the above is incorrect.
Assumptions [Not required to mention at all]:
Anyway, Thanks In Advance !!!
I have come down to these three models [preference in order of appearance] after doing some research, but I am feeling very difficult to choose which one to buy.
1. Dell Latitude D520
Reasons preventing me to buy:
Does not have a SD card reader
Does not seem to have a fire wire slot [not sure]
Is it ok media wise ?
2. HP Pavilion 6000t
Reasons preventing me to buy:
No idea of quality of HP laptops
Widescreen ???
Heard that the customer support is very poor
3. Dell Inspiron E1505
Reasons preventing me to buy:
Seems very very huge
Widescreen
Much Much heavier than the other two
Help me out in choosing the better model and correct me if the reasons preventing me to buy one of the above is incorrect.
Assumptions [Not required to mention at all]:
For programming, internet surfing and little of mediaHope I am not greedy or a miser.
Good Performance, in any way you can imagine
Intel Core 2 Duo
2GB RAM
HDD Capacity >= 120GB
DVD/CD RW
Want to enjoy VISTA
IEEE FireWire Slot
USB Slots
LAN connection Slot
Bluetooth
WiFi
Total cost including buying paper towels for the manufacturer <= 1400 [Ok, negotiable]
No Toshiba and No IBM [I hate them brutally]
Anyway, Thanks In Advance !!!
A Walk !!!
After many many days, I enjoyed the evening walk. It has been days, may be more than a month that I started home from office in the early evening when the sun sets. I was feeling desperate to walk home in the dimming sunlight singing an evening song.
It is about a mile walk from office to the suburban light rail station. A mile walk full things to see and smile for yourself. It isn't dramatically vista studded walkway but there is this very humongous mountain range before you, beside you, behind you as you walk. The way the mountain changes its colors time to time and day to day is an invaluable piece of inspiration for me. You see it brown mid noon when the clouds hover above it for rest. You see them green in the evening. You see them mysteriously red-black at dawn. Without any reason, it seems to talk to me and touch my inner self. Well, that gives me company when I walk. I had that company today after a long time.
When you walk the way to the light rail station, you are privileged to walk the red carpet of technology. You walk by the boundaries of some of the giants in the IT industry. And there are hundreds of them around. You can take chance to think of the future where you do not need to walk at all. But I did not think of anything of the future today when I walked beside them cuz I was missing a walk.
I reminded myself that cars raced around from every corner this time of the day. When I saw them pass by me like a flash of lightning, I reminded myself that I counted them. I counted them by Benzs, Beemers and Corevettes. It was fun and my hobby. And when Beemers pass by me, I felt the soft gust that they sway on me, and long before I open my eyes back to see if they are 5xx or 3xx, they are gone far away racing towards the west to touch the sun at the horizon. I had the same fun today. I watched the Beemer pass by me to catch the sun at the horizon before it sets.
Today I walked by the green grass on the pavements and the I saw them greener. I guess that they too missed me for a while and perhaps increased a bit of contrast in their color showing off their joy seeing me, cuz I never stamp on them on the walkway. So did the yellow flowers on the wasteland ranch a few furlong from the light rail station. The yellow flowers are not daffodils. They are like the Picasso on the New York street, nameless and beautiful. They shine like gold in the evening. They are born every spring after winter on that wasteland. And they nod heads like daffodils to all passersby. But they know me well.
It is a feeling of freedom that I enjoy when I walk. I let my garbage thoughts fume out and let myself free and light like the air. Well, that was the entertainment I have been missing these days. When the sun was out ruling the sky, I had been in the office cave hiding like a vampire. I advised myself not to reason for missing a simple walk. As always, I hate monotony. And having a walk everyday will not make me feel monotonous cuz neither do I see the same girl on the road nor is the mountain green each day. It is the unexpected change and presentation on the walkway that entertains and inspires me.
It is about a mile walk from office to the suburban light rail station. A mile walk full things to see and smile for yourself. It isn't dramatically vista studded walkway but there is this very humongous mountain range before you, beside you, behind you as you walk. The way the mountain changes its colors time to time and day to day is an invaluable piece of inspiration for me. You see it brown mid noon when the clouds hover above it for rest. You see them green in the evening. You see them mysteriously red-black at dawn. Without any reason, it seems to talk to me and touch my inner self. Well, that gives me company when I walk. I had that company today after a long time.
When you walk the way to the light rail station, you are privileged to walk the red carpet of technology. You walk by the boundaries of some of the giants in the IT industry. And there are hundreds of them around. You can take chance to think of the future where you do not need to walk at all. But I did not think of anything of the future today when I walked beside them cuz I was missing a walk.
I reminded myself that cars raced around from every corner this time of the day. When I saw them pass by me like a flash of lightning, I reminded myself that I counted them. I counted them by Benzs, Beemers and Corevettes. It was fun and my hobby. And when Beemers pass by me, I felt the soft gust that they sway on me, and long before I open my eyes back to see if they are 5xx or 3xx, they are gone far away racing towards the west to touch the sun at the horizon. I had the same fun today. I watched the Beemer pass by me to catch the sun at the horizon before it sets.
Today I walked by the green grass on the pavements and the I saw them greener. I guess that they too missed me for a while and perhaps increased a bit of contrast in their color showing off their joy seeing me, cuz I never stamp on them on the walkway. So did the yellow flowers on the wasteland ranch a few furlong from the light rail station. The yellow flowers are not daffodils. They are like the Picasso on the New York street, nameless and beautiful. They shine like gold in the evening. They are born every spring after winter on that wasteland. And they nod heads like daffodils to all passersby. But they know me well.
It is a feeling of freedom that I enjoy when I walk. I let my garbage thoughts fume out and let myself free and light like the air. Well, that was the entertainment I have been missing these days. When the sun was out ruling the sky, I had been in the office cave hiding like a vampire. I advised myself not to reason for missing a simple walk. As always, I hate monotony. And having a walk everyday will not make me feel monotonous cuz neither do I see the same girl on the road nor is the mountain green each day. It is the unexpected change and presentation on the walkway that entertains and inspires me.
The Saddist !!!
Time is a saddist. It will make you await the moment you have been expecting, sucking up all your energy. And the moment goes away just like that, and it becomes past very easily like all that happened happened ages back or was a dream. Nobody can guess whether time runs fast or slow.
I am at the airport now. I cannot say if I have been waiting for the moment to fly to the US, though I have to. But time had made me blind until before this moment. When I open my eyes now, I am sitting in an air plane ready to fly to a place far far across the oceans and from where my loved ones cannot hear me. Time did not let me learn that.
Let me close my eyes now, and when I wake up.........
Happy Valentine's Day !!!
I was thinking every now and then from the morning about the opening words for this post cuz this is a special post on a special day. I was sure how to end it, of course, with a "Happy Valentine's Day". Considered to be a very special day for those with mates, it is on the contrary a day of mourning for those still holding rose in hand.
That was not the special beginning I wanted to give for the post. Anyway, I have started. A general important information about the day I would like share is that it is a day for spreading an air of compassion. It is not the way it means now. I cannot wake Saint Valentine and present him for verdict.
Anyway, my wishes for a good time for all those with mates (girlfriends). And for those who are still holding a rose with hope, enjoy the day with the verses from Mahakavi Bharathiyar:-
¢î¢îè¢ è¬óò¤ù¤«ô -- ªîø¢° ͬôò¤ô¢
ªêí¢ðèî¢ «î£ì¢ìî¢î¤«ô,
𣣢î¢î¤¼ï¢ î£ô¢õ¼«õù¢ -- ªõí¢í¤ô£õ¤«ô
ð£é¢è¤«ò£ ªìù¢Áªê£ù¢ù£ò¢.
õ££¢î¢¬î îõø¤õ¤ì¢ì£ò¢ -- Ü® èí¢íñ¢ñ£!
ñ££¢¹ ¶®è¢°î¯!
𣣢î¢î õ¤ìî¢î¤ªôô¢ô£ñ¢ -- àù¢¬ù𢠫ð£ô«õ
ð£¬õ ªî£¤»î¯!
«ñù¤ ªè£î¤è¢°î¯ -- î¬ô ²ø¢ø¤«ò
«õî¬ù ªêò¢°î¯!
õ£ù¤ ô¤ìîªòô¢ô£ñ¢ -- Þï¢î ªõí¢í¤ô£
õ ¶ð££¢.
«ñ£ùî¢ î¤¼è¢°î¯ -- Þï¢î ¬õòèñ¢
Íö¢è¤î¢ ¶ò¤ô¤ù¤«ô
ù£¼õù¢ ñ좮½ñ¢ -- 𤣤ªõù¢ð«î£ó¢
ïóèî¢ ¶ö½õ«î£?
From nowhere in this world will you get such words of love and pain it causes. And ironically, the words are the consolation themselves, and you can rejoice with that this day. So Happy Valentine's Day, and spread compassion.
That was not the special beginning I wanted to give for the post. Anyway, I have started. A general important information about the day I would like share is that it is a day for spreading an air of compassion. It is not the way it means now. I cannot wake Saint Valentine and present him for verdict.
Anyway, my wishes for a good time for all those with mates (girlfriends). And for those who are still holding a rose with hope, enjoy the day with the verses from Mahakavi Bharathiyar:-
¢î¢îè¢ è¬óò¤ù¤«ô -- ªîø¢° ͬôò¤ô¢
ªêí¢ðèî¢ «î£ì¢ìî¢î¤«ô,
𣣢î¢î¤¼ï¢ î£ô¢õ¼«õù¢ -- ªõí¢í¤ô£õ¤«ô
ð£é¢è¤«ò£ ªìù¢Áªê£ù¢ù£ò¢.
õ££¢î¢¬î îõø¤õ¤ì¢ì£ò¢ -- Ü® èí¢íñ¢ñ£!
ñ££¢¹ ¶®è¢°î¯!
𣣢î¢î õ¤ìî¢î¤ªôô¢ô£ñ¢ -- àù¢¬ù𢠫ð£ô«õ
ð£¬õ ªî£¤»î¯!
«ñù¤ ªè£î¤è¢°î¯ -- î¬ô ²ø¢ø¤«ò
«õî¬ù ªêò¢°î¯!
õ£ù¤ ô¤ìîªòô¢ô£ñ¢ -- Þï¢î ªõí¢í¤ô£
õ ¶ð££¢.
«ñ£ùî¢ î¤¼è¢°î¯ -- Þï¢î ¬õòèñ¢
Íö¢è¤î¢ ¶ò¤ô¤ù¤«ô
ù£¼õù¢ ñ좮½ñ¢ -- 𤣤ªõù¢ð«î£ó¢
ïóèî¢ ¶ö½õ«î£?
From nowhere in this world will you get such words of love and pain it causes. And ironically, the words are the consolation themselves, and you can rejoice with that this day. So Happy Valentine's Day, and spread compassion.
The Scary Shock !!!
Finally I was sitting amongst other people in the air craft who seemed to be punished by time like me. I cannot say what was running in my mind. I remember thinking of my baggage to be safely delivered. I also remember thinking if there would be very good looking air hostess this time or not, and will I get a chance to flirt with them. And at times when I happened to look out of the window, I was wondering about the aerodynamic air craft wing, science and technology.
When I was air borne, I had a few rounds of white sweet wine before having my midnight dinner. I felt happy and my spirits were flying as high as the air craft, and was singing too. And I felt asleep like a baby. I do not remember what I was dreaming.
Like a heavy thunder striking the earth crust, like an electric shock fed to the sensitive part of the body, I was thrown out of the dream; not awake yet. I could sense only the shock, the thrust and nothing else. I was feeling cold, shrunk and painful. My fingers and hands seemed to be frozen and crumpled, my tongue seemed to be falling out of my mouth and my eyes were rolling to the inside of the cavity. And everything that I felt made me feel as if I was being hanged out of the air plane. I felt like a cripple, I felt epileptic. My spine was transmitting the shock to the entire part of my body, head to toe, through every nerve.
It took me a while and great strain to get to my conscious and when I opened my eyes, the air craft was half dark. I do not know if the passengers beside me noticed what I was going through. If they had taken a look at my face or hands, it would have been a nightmare for them. It is another nightmare for me when I try to guess what was that happened to me and why ?
When I was air borne, I had a few rounds of white sweet wine before having my midnight dinner. I felt happy and my spirits were flying as high as the air craft, and was singing too. And I felt asleep like a baby. I do not remember what I was dreaming.
Like a heavy thunder striking the earth crust, like an electric shock fed to the sensitive part of the body, I was thrown out of the dream; not awake yet. I could sense only the shock, the thrust and nothing else. I was feeling cold, shrunk and painful. My fingers and hands seemed to be frozen and crumpled, my tongue seemed to be falling out of my mouth and my eyes were rolling to the inside of the cavity. And everything that I felt made me feel as if I was being hanged out of the air plane. I felt like a cripple, I felt epileptic. My spine was transmitting the shock to the entire part of my body, head to toe, through every nerve.
It took me a while and great strain to get to my conscious and when I opened my eyes, the air craft was half dark. I do not know if the passengers beside me noticed what I was going through. If they had taken a look at my face or hands, it would have been a nightmare for them. It is another nightmare for me when I try to guess what was that happened to me and why ?
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